11 Sep Together, We Rise
It was a normal day in my chaotic world when I got the devastating news. My body began to go into shock.
I fell to my knees in disbelief and was instantly swimming in incredible pain. I couldn’t move. Although the information was delivered in an email, I could feel it in every part of my body. Like it was happening to me. It was a feeling of heaviness and deep, deep loss. The news became my identity and I was once again feeling worthless.
“I’m not going to make it,” I said to my roommate sharing my AirBnb outside Berkeley, CA.
“I think this time the pain is too much for my body to process, I think I might die.”
She encouraged me to get in the car and head to our trauma workshop as planned. (What are the odds that I received one of the top three news ever in my life and I happened to be at a workshop all about recovering from trauma?)
I was here for a reason
I laid my yoga mat out on the floor and got settled as the lectures began and that’s when it hit me. This really is the end.
“I can’t go on. This one is too big. The hurt, the betrayal, it’s just too much. I’ve been through this too many times in one lifetime. I can’t go on. If my body doesn’t give out on its own, it may be time that I take my own life,” I shared with the class and world-renowned teachers and healers that morning.
Seane Corn pulled me aside and we talked about the news. She quickly reminded me that I was here for a reason. She put my pain into perspective and told me that while she has never felt suicidal herself, she understands all too well the old patterns of trauma that can creep up and take hold of us in an instant. Our bodies remember these past events and if they are unresolved, they can compound and create an even bigger feeling of doom.
She encouraged me to let the emotions flow out of my body. She held space for me with rational conversation and consideration. She said that I had made it through so much adversity in my lifetime that this wasn’t the time to quit. Within 15 minutes, I could see that my emotions had taken over and while the issue was traumatic, but not a reason to give up on life.
Coupling betrayal with death
An hour later, she looked at me and said, “Kass, do you think you are coupling your mother’s suicide with anyone that betrays you? Do you automatically couple betrayal with death?”
I suppose so, I thought. She did betray me that day when I thought she was just going to work. I had just paid $2000 worth of her bills just a few days before. Could it be true that every time a “friend” betrays me that I feel it into the depths of my soul while they have zero regards for the separation? Or am I just too sensitive for this world?
Uncoupling those emotions
Grab your two hands and lock onto them at your heart center. Pull them away from one another so you have a strong grip.
Now, think about it. What two emotions do you find yourself coupling together?
Mine was betrayal equals death.
Yours may be totally different. What happens when you bring it into your awareness and let it go? Remove the bond? Uncouple those emotions?
Well for me, it has been a game changer. Now, the traumatic experience is still occurring but it’s not happening to me. It’s just happening. I was able to uncouple my emotions after a 15-minute talk and a loving community showing me patience and support as I go through the grieving process and once again work on my healing.
You can uncouple in an instant. Or it may take decades, but it all starts with awareness. Reach out to me privately if you would like to talk more about your own personal trauma or the effects that coupling has possibly had on you.
Together, we rise.